Paranoia

So Mas Dagan, as a whole, has exceeded our expectations for a vacation home. Its decorations are Provencal perfection. The grounds are comfortable and interesting and lend themselves to exploration. However, a home of 250 years, comes with a few little quirks. As she departed from us a few days ago, our landlady warned us about a few things. "There are a few mice in the ceiling that may, rarely, scratch or move and create some sound." Ok, we thought, no big deal, a few mice every couple of weeks passing through, catching a little warmth in the roof wasn't going to be an issue. Hey, we might even appreciate the company, we thought. So we tucked ourselves into our cozy bed, pulled up the down comforter and settled in to a relaxing, dream-filled sleep. And then the scratching began. I awoke that first night to a flaky bit of terra cotta ceiling falling on my previously-closed eyelid. Startled, I threw off the covers and woke up Whitney in the process. The visitors had let us know they were there. Unfortunately, that wasn't the first and only visit. Sitting in the family room, reading, typing, talking, we have come to (almost) ignore the graveling, the shuffling, the practically constant moving around of our rodent friends. Now we haven't actually seen anything, but the level of awareness on which their presence has placed us is practically impressive. At the squeak of a door or the yawn of one of our unassuming cats or the rattle of the heater exhaling a breath of warmth, we are instantly on guard, our eyes glued to the ceiling, just waiting to see a tail or a snout or a tooth of one of these carnivorous intruders.

Sure, it has become paranoia, but how can we help it? How, when Whitney grabs a blanket and covers her legs and the little tassel brushes against my arm, can I simply ignore this very mouse-like touch? How, when putting away the bread after dinner and the shadow of the drying dishes look very similar to that of scurrying rodent, can I simply turn and walk away?

We have put a call in to the landlady, begging her for some intervention, some rat poison, a few traps, an exterminator perhaps? However, until then, paranoid I will be, thinking that these pesky creatures, with nothing but bad intentions, are constantly plotting and planning to ambush me when I'm unawares.

I often tell myself that my worries will be over if...If I make a decision about a new job; If I go on vacation; If I leave the country for six months, living in the south of France where there couldn't possibly be anything in the world to worry about. And here I sit, on edge, worried, paranoid about a little mouse (or maybe racoon...the most recent scratching episode made it sound HUGE!). While, of course, I say this tongue-in-cheek, there is a little truth to it. I have gone through life saying that the next phase will be worry-free, easy, very well laid out and obvious, and yet, when I eventually meet that new phase head-on, I realize that the blueprint isn't quite so simple, the map not as clear as I had hoped and my worries are just as present as they were last week. While I didn't embark on this European journey to avoid the worries of life, I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that somehow most of them would go away. Magically, for six months of my life, I would think of nothing but the flavor of the next delectable pastry I would consume or what time, 10:00 or 11:00, I would stir from my bed. I've realized that the mice of my life are here too. They somehow managed to find their way through the flights, the B&Bs all over Europe, even the trains, and have now very comfortably settled in to St. Remy. Job decisions, home decisions, baby decisions, all of these things hang over my head, scratching, shuffling around in the ceiling of my mind. I have always told myself that once I make the choices, once I have conclusion to the unsettled issues in my life, I will be able to relax. And yet, I am beginning to learn, slowly though it may be, that these decisions will never die. I will always have a new fork in the road, a new option and choice for me to debate. For now, I can't help but worry, I can't help but be paranoid, but soon, I hope and pray, that I will acknowledge the mice in my head and be okay. That their shuffling and scuffling and roof-spilling behavior would no longer be all that consumes me. Soon, I would like to be able to dust off their trouble and turn over, place my pillow on the bed and dream again in peace.