Pushing Through The Lockjaw

Through this blog I have realized one thing about me as a writer. I have always enjoyed engaging in thoughts, ideas and emotions. The intangible, I believe, is where the most important of life's events truly take place. The things we think about before we doze off at night, the things we think of when we're alone, when we're afraid, when we're not being watched or when we can completely be ourselves; these are the things that truly make up the substance of our lives. And yet, these things that mean the world to me, are so often slippery. I feel as though I can't say what I mean, I can't impart the true depth or feeling of something. The idea squirms as I try to peg it to the page with words and phrases and not-quite-perfect analogies. This handicap often leaves me mute, simply lockjawed into saying nothing at all. Tonight is one of those times. And yet, with the discipline of this blog and the focus of this entire trip, I simply must force myself. And so out it will come, as a babbling perhaps, like a baby's first disjointed words, but hopefully in some way clear, in some way, while perhaps not inspiring, at very least relevant and relatable and true.

I have always been the 'jack of all trades, master of none.' I have felt eager, although not passionate, about many ventures in life and have engaged in a multitude of various pursuits. At this point in my life, however, this trait has no longer become simply a feature of my life, a present and neutral fact with which I had to live. No, at this juncture I wish I was a master; being a jack has become a pain. A master of anything, I guess: of finance, of tennis, of opera. Of writing or reading or rugby. As I think of my life in America starting back up in three very short months, I can't picture me. I don't see my profession or my home or my passions. There are options and ideas that I have, of course, but nothing that I know is right. Nothing that I know should be. As this thought planted itself uncomfortably in the soil of my mind, something began to grow. I want an earthly passion. I want a job that I'm good at and friends that know me and a family that is safe and a home that is secure. And yet, whether all of this or none of it, I want a life that lives on. I want a lantern that, when I have the courage and discipline to hold it up, gives the things of my world significance when seen in the light of its warm and steady glow. And that thought gives me security. I feel that although the 'jack of all trades' may be forever my bane, I can pursue something that will make mastering anything or nothing a matter of little importance. I can trade stocks, teach class or sell t-shirts. I can preach or paint or perform surgery. I can be the president or be fired. All of it will have value when I lead the way with this lantern and none of it will matter if I don't. While my soul wrestles through the specifics, the day-to-day of this realization, I know, I can't help but be sure, that this lantern creates a backdrop of purpose, in front of which can take place the greatest scenes of my life. And I know that somehow, this is all spiritual, that my soul craves the purpose for which I was placed on earth. Slowly, I am finding that it is all that matters, finding that lantern and tending to it, spilling its light on my future and giving everything meaning. It may seem far-fetched, it may seem extreme or simplified or cheesy, but I think its right. As it seems with every dawning of an important idea, however, this is just the beginning.